My Flip Flops, 2014, by Troy Broussard

Mother never allowed us to wear shoes that could be bought at a convenience store; and dad thought that open toe shoes on boys were effeminate. But while walking down the beach at Fire Island in leather soled shoes a decade back I came to accept the purpose for such footwear—and I bought a pair of expensive flip flops. Flip flops are fabulous for the beach or poolside, or as a shower shoe.

But when did flip flops become acceptable everyday apparel?

Sisterwoman and I determined that there are three techniques of walking in thongs:

First there are the “Toe Flailers”, a group composed disproportionately of men who in order to keep the flop from flipping off the foot curl the toes upward with each step hence forming a cup shape. If you are a Toe Flailer there is nothing that can be done about it so please don’t reproduce.

The second group is the “Clomp Trompers”, consisting predominantly of women who in order to keep the flop on the foot curl the toes down thus flat-footedly taking step after step. Instead of extending the leg to step, this sect lifts from the knee in order to equally distribute the flat sole across terra ferma.  A subset of Trompers would be the “Short Steppers”, women who are too dainty to tromp but instead employ a more Geisha-like approach to the same technique.

The third category is the smallest group, those who walk somewhat normally. The “Flip Floppers” usually consist of people who buy expensive flip flops with proper arch support so that it is easier to keep the shoe from flying off the foot thus allowing a more natural movement of the foot. When walking the Flopper has a gait more akin to wearing a regular walking shoe, from heel to ball, thus creating the distinctive sound for which the footwear is named.

There are actual scientific reasons why walking is mutated by these shoes. The simplistic design is responsible for a heap of foot and leg malady. Toe Flailers overuse their tendons causing tendonitis; Clomp Trompers can sprain an ankle by stepping off a curb rigidly in unsupported footwear. With all the advances in shoe and insole technology, why do we still hear so much about plantar fasciitis? Someone should start a company to bling walkers because the X-gens and Millennials are heading for a world of hurt in decades to come.

Consider the ramifications of wearing flip flops to a bar or a concert. Aside from the omnipresent risk of broken glass, I’d be afraid to have my toes crushed by someone else’s big feet.

But crippling oneself is not the gross part. Studies show that over 18,000 types of bacteria can be found on a pair of flip flops, including Staphylococcus aureus and bacteria from fecal matter. Yes, fecal matter!  Poot.  The porous nature of the base material collects dangerous microbes like a spoiled kitchen sponge. And honestly, any woman who’s every cleaned a bathroom should realize that her husband and sons are spraying on their own feet!  Flip flops are disgusting!

I’ve actually seen people flipping and flopping down Bourbon Street. Repulsive. It would be safer to wade ankle deep in a sewage treatment plant.

When did we become a society of people who cannot be bothered to put on shoes? And when did flip flops with sequins become formal wear?

This is an age of shoes as status symbols….  Won’t women pay ridiculous amounts for a red sole; aren’t thugs shanking each other for the newest pair of sneakers?  Umm, try wearing them please!

Yes, I do where flip flops…

Of course, flip flops are quite suitable in summertime and appropriate at the beach or a pool. And of course, flip flops are always useful and comfortable around the house.

If you insist on flopping around in public, there are some simple recommendations to consider. Please refrain from exposing feet in a restaurant. No one wants to stare at fugly feet while enjoying a meal. Flip flops should be included in the “No Shoes” disclaimer at the door; wife beaters are usually included under the “No Shirt” category.

And please, those who persist should be properly pedicured. While you’re big yellow nails are airing, someone near you is cringing. And if your heels are as flakey as layered buttermilk biscuits, please consider socks and shoes. Likewise consideration should be made to conceal bunions or toes as gnarled as the roots of an ancient oak.

Now that Labor Day has passed we will see who is not only too lazy to put on shoes but who cannot be bothered with customary clothing etiquette.